It has been about three years since I graduated from university, but I still occasionally have dreams where I haven’t actually finished. In these dreams, I have failed a class, missed a test due to laziness, or found out I cannot graduate for some other reason. I always wake up feeling incredibly anxious.
Truthfully, I graduated prematurely, and not in a good way. My journey was messy. I quarreled with the Dean because I forgot to add a class to my study plan (IRS); he told me my etiquette was poor, though he eventually forgave me and let me edit it past the deadline.
I finished my final assignments by the 7th semester and could have graduated in 3.5 years. However, because it was the first year of the “Kampus Merdeka” program, the faculty was clueless. The program stated that a thesis was not required and could be replaced by internships or projects. I insisted on using my internship reports for graduation, but my supervisor resisted because she had never seen it done before. At the time, I was the only one attempting it.
I coordinated with the Branding and Data Manager at my internship company. He said using company data was fine as long as the Head of Data approved it. I wrote the reports alone, assuming the approval was being processed, but it was not. Just one month before the submission deadline, I met with my senior and manager. They were blindsided by the sudden timeline.
I was confused about what to write, so I essentially drafted the documents to make it look like I had performed specific roles. My senior called this unethical. At that point, I was so burnt out that I told them I did not care about the university and just wanted to graduate from this hell as fast as possible. Surprisingly, they accepted my writing after scrubbing the sensitive data. My supervisor eventually approved it, and my thesis defense actually went smoothly.
However, I knew I had damaged my reputation. I felt I had engaged in unforgivable, unethical behavior. After my case, the faculty stopped allowing students to use “Kampus Merdeka” as a thesis replacement. In the end, I still failed to graduate in 3.5 years because I lacked one useless three-credit mandatory course.
I suspect my manager and senior still view me as someone lacking integrity. I try to rationalize it—the bureaucracy was slow, the faculty was clueless, and I was directionless and tired—but I still feel the weight of it. From a policy standpoint, an internship report should have been enough, but because the policymakers were confused, I took shortcuts that make me feel like I have no integrity.
Lately, I have been feeling a lot of regret. I do not know why I rushed something that seems so insignificant now. I could have just waited until the 8th semester. I think the recurring dreams are a form of self-punishment for that useless degree. I even remember when ChatGPT started booming in December 2022; I regretted that it had not come sooner to make the process easier.
Ultimately, I did not even attend my graduation ceremony. I felt too much shame. My father was in Turkey and my mother was visiting him, so I felt ashamed to be there without them. Life must go on, and I suppose these dreams will continue to remind me of the price I paid for a bachelor’s certificate.